On Weddings
So I got engaged, and finally allowed myself to buy those wedding magazines. I hate to admit this but I did not naturally question all the things you are told that you need as part of a wedding. The things advertised in wedding magazines are really expensive, but also quite repetitive. First thing I realised was that almost every wedding dress was strapless and had a train, and most of the men’s suits were plain black.
I thought I would enjoy the process of going wedding dress shopping. Nevermind that I normally hate trying on clothes (let alone metres and metres of fabric), finding a fairytale dress is the dream of most little girls. We went to The Bridal Centre in Queen St Mall (I am not going to link them as I do not recommend them). I said I didn’t want a strapless dress, and they behaved like I was almost asking the impossible. I found a style of dress I liked, asked how much it would be to order it in, and they told me they couldn’t order it in.
Finally I tried on a fairly simple white dress, and it just did not suit me at all. We then went to Elizabeth de Varga in Broadway on the Mall. I tried on the first dress that fit my criteria, and it was perfect. Having realised that I was not having fun shopping, I was sold and had no desire to try on another dress. Elizabeth de Varga I do recommend because the price includes everything (they do six fittings and alter details of the dress in any way you like) whereas some places you order the dress in in the closest size and then pay hundreds extra to have it altered to fit. It is cheap compared to the dresses in wedding magazines, but you can definitely find dresses for a lot less.
Then thanks to God my path crossed with Definatalie who recommended that I visit the website OffbeatBride.com and, now having been there, I will stay as far away from other wedding sites as possible. And if I ever find out a friend is engaged, I will tell them “before you do anything else, visit offbeatbride.com” and I’ll buy them Ariel (the site owner)’s book. I am not exaggerating when I say (in agreement with other regular readers) that Ariel’s site set me free.
Offbeat Bride has a massive variety of ideas for everything, and even if 99% of them aren’t me, I’m so glad that there are other valid options out there to consider. Ariel features a proper variety of real weddings for inspiration in all shapes and sizes: budget, costumed, DIY, spiritual, eco, LBGT unions, and more.
What it really does is save you from is thinking that you need to have something included just because it’s a wedding. If something is not important to you, don’t spend any money on having it. The most important part (and the only essential part) of your wedding day is exchanging your vows in front of witnesses to your partner. Everything else is just decoration for that moment. So, decorate that special moment however you like – impressing or pleasing outsiders should not ever form part of your agenda. (There is a difference between being a thoughtful considerate host who tries to make her guests feel as comfortable as possible within her choices, and wasting time/energy/money on things that don’t fit in with your values just because it’s expected.)
The biggest challenge for every Offbeat Bride couple’s wedding featured in Ariel’s blog appears to be family opinions. The problem is that you can’t please everyone even if you tried to – its two families with two different backgrounds stating what they want. Which is why if you’re going to upset them regardless (and you can’t ever perfectly please them without losing yourself in the process), you may as well just have the wedding that you want and be criticised for something that makes you happy rather than something that you tried to compromise over.
What this means is that even if I still wear a white dress, I’m doing so because it fits my highest values. My second highest values would say that my wedding dress should be green (see below). I’m putting my bridesmaids in antique pink because again it fits my highest values, otherwise I would probably put them in a less childish colour - probably green because I just love the look of it for a wedding day:
Today I came back from a bridal expo. Again, I assumed it would be fun to look at different dresses and stationery and venues. It wasn’t, perhaps partly because I saw it as pointless (other than entering competitions) since I’m so specific on what I do and don’t want (and most of what I saw did not fit my values). 99% of bridesmaid dresses are unfortunately either above the knee or floor length, not to mention strapless. I’m looking for cocktail/tea length, with thickish shoulder straps. Also, worse yet, my bridesmaids and foster mum have completely different taste to me, and so I had to nod politely at what they said they liked, while trying to figure out if there was any way I could compromise their ideas with my own.
Planning a wedding is not at all as fun as I thought it would be. Firstly because of how I hyped it up in my mind throughout growing up and the reality is, of course, tedious compared to that. Secondly because everyone wants something different for your wedding, and you can’t even begin to please all of them (I’m still trying to figure out polite ways of saying “that’s a great idea in general but it doesn’t feel right for me personally”, or worse yet, “that’s a great idea, but I was probably going to skip that element and not even have it”.)
Some ideas (thanks to Offbeat Bride) that I like:
centrepieces for tables made from old classic books (ties in with Kieran being a writer and myself being a philosopher)
and if it rains on my wedding day … not a problem in the slightest – atmosphere, romance, drama all topped off with a cute clear colourful umbrella like this one!
Some recommended Offbeat Bride links:
Why Offbeat Bride is worth reading
Engagement/wedding ring alternatives
Bouquet alternatives (if you choose to hold anything at all)
Advice on how to handle difficult situations
You know you’re an Offbeat Bride when . . .
March 8th, 2009 at 21:22
I’m glad I could introduce you to OBB! It’s very difficult overcoming the traditional expectations of a wedding, even harder communicating your own over the top of all the static!
Just be clear on what you desire, and people will eventually get it!
March 8th, 2009 at 21:58
Thanks! Also I’d meant to link your blog and I forgot to do it, so it is all properly linked now.
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August 17th, 2010 at 09:57
Interesting , how do I apply this?